That's Not Functional, Lamar

Every once and again we are reminded that the key word in the phrase 'Functional Addict' is 'Function'.  This week we focus on a very sad story in which one man has shown what kind of havoc addiction can wreak on your life if you are not careful.

In this case the reminder comes courtesy of Lamar Odom, once an NBA star lacing up for teams such as the Los Angeles Lakers and banging a Kardashian (well actually she was the fat ugly one so not sure if that counts as a positive).  Things have spiraled out of control for Lamar over the last few years having seen his level of play diminish and eventually being cut from the Dallas Mavericks.  But no, that was not rock bottom; Lamar had further depths to explore as he recently channeled Jacques Cousteau and dove deeper.

Lamar decided it would be a great idea to hole up in the word famous Bunny Ranch with a bag of coke, some herbal Viagra and a couple 5s and 6s (a reference to the quality of the women he paid $75k to catch his tears on their bosoms and protect him from the madness that is Keeping up with the Kardashians).  Lamar ended up overdosing on either the drugs, the herbals, or perhaps it was just all that mediocre pussy, and launched himself into a coma from which many thought he would never awaken.

Now, Lamar, we know that attention hungry clan of bitches can be a bit overbearing and we know you needed an escape from the omnipresent stage that is life with the Kardashians; but, now that you have woken up from your coma and have even begun learning to walk again, let us pros at Functional Addict give you some advice on how you can perform your next Houdini in a way that will leave you out of the spotlight, but with cash left in your pockets, and with your lucidity intact, all while staying off the covers of the tabloids.

First of all, make sure you get your drugs from a reputable supplier.  Lets stick to the adage that you can't trust these hoes.  Get a connect you can count on, and leave it at that.  This way you can avoid the coma next time, as exhilarating as it might have been to travel down that tunnel reaching towards the bright white light.

In addition, if you re going to spend a few days bustin nuts on a room full of bitches, next time plan ahead.  That means making sure that you can expect confidentiality.  Best way to ensure this would be to drop $600 on an intercontinental plane ticket.  This will kill a few birds with one stone:  first of all your chosen company will not recognize you and even if they do, they damn sure won't be able to speak English and therefore won't be able to rat you out to the paparazzi.  Why not try Thailand, the Dominican Republic, Brazil or any of the hundred countries where you can hole up with a team of sluts for a week or more and guarantee that they will keep their mouths shut (well, not until after you leave, that is).  As a bonus, your foray will be much cheaper, and the companionship will be of a much higher quality.  Instead of dropping $75k for 3 days with 3 women, you would only drop 1 or 2k.  Or if you really were intent on a splurge of that nature you could probably get a dozen third world women for a month, or a small harem for a year!  Lets be honest, you are a rookie in this game and you gotta think about the long term; this life of functional addiction is a marathon and not a sprint.  Just think about guys like Allen Iverson or Antoine Walker.  You can never have 'enough' cash, so be smart and make it last.

In closing, we are happy to know that you have survived this disaster and may even make it back to full strength.  This misadventure destroyed any chance of an NBA comeback, but that might be a good thing after watching your talent laguish towards the end of a great career.  There will be many orgies ahead for you, Lamar if you play your cards right.  Remember, keep the drugs clean, the women quiet, and the scenery international.  And most of all, step up your game and demand a better quality of booty!  You are letting the rest of us down.  You've got the dough, now use it the right way.

Obama Draws The (White) Line

As Election Day approaches I cannot stop thinking about one subject that has strangely been left out of discussion as of late. That subject is none other than Barak's admitted drug use. In 2006 he disclosed his history of drug use in Dreams From My Father, a memoir written by a man who obviously never thought he would have a shot at the worlds most important job.

He wrote, "Pot had helped, and booze; maybe a little blow when you could afford it. Not smack, though." (Notice the use of the ultra-rare semicolon, the peyote of punctuation. Have you ever used either? Didn't think so.) Obama opens up his closet and lets us see his skeletons with that quote, but does draw the line at smack.

This is important to the American people. We all know that one must know their own limit. And we functional addicts know that drawing that line is the difference between Marion Barry and Barak Obama. But aside from drawing the line just above the needle, there is another factor that has helped Barack to maintain his squeaky clean image despite the admission. The answer is quite simple; Americans don't read (did you notice that exquisite punctuation? First time for everything). The republicans must assume that because he released this information such a long time ago, that everyone must already know and therefore it’s not worth a mention because it looks desperate. Guess what McCain et al; everyone knows that Barak Obama is black. Yet you continue to remind us, and yes, it does look desperate. But that is okay because this tactic works nonetheless.

This is why I can't understand why Obama's drug use has not been mentioned in every rally, debate, speech, commercial, and anonymously written, hate infused, internet chain letter. We know that one of the things Americans fear and hate is radical Muslim extremists, but a Black guy on coke is perhaps the only thing in this country that would trump that fear and hate. I can already imagine the TV spot. "Can you really justify letting a Black Muslim cokehead run the country your kids live in?" Followed by, "I am John McCain and I approve this message."

Now I know that the talking heads would make a huge deal about the ad calling it classless and exaggerated while chiding the campaign managers who created it. Many people would be up in arms saying that it was only a brief period of his life when he was a confused teen in a broken home. Many would mention that one of our greatest presidents, Bill Clinton, was a confessed pot smoker. All of them would be right, but the ad would still have a dramatic effect. Although we assume that everyone out there has heard of his tomfoolery, the honest truth is that the Republican machine has not reminded the public of this often enough. They continue to tell outright lies to the people while aiming to spread fear, but these lies are transparent to anyone with a shred of common sense. Meanwhile they continue to hold that ace in the hole, not realizing that they actually have a piece of valid information that could prove even more disastrous to the Obama/Biden ticket.

All the while the Obama Juggernaut charges towards the finish line heading towards a landslide as the McCain campaign squanders their last hope of victory. They ought to know, as the public does, once an addict, always an addict (I'm not buying that Obama did "a little blow." You're either on the Charlie or you're not). Addiction is a disease that can't be cured, just contained. And I am amazed that we are not reminded of this more often.

As election day approaches, every day it seems more and more likely that we will have one of our own in the white house. As functional addicts we will always embrace your achievement, Mr. Obama. You have shown us that there is no height we cannot aspire to reach. If 2008's runners up have learned any lesson from Obama's rise, not Palin, but yet another strong woman, will be contending for the presidency in 2012. That woman is Ms. Condoleezza Rice. The republicans should remember one thing when choosing their next candidate: just as the rule holds true for addicts and their vices, it will hold true for the American people and their elected leaders; once you go black, you never go back.