That's Not Functional, Lamar

Every once and again we are reminded that the key word in the phrase 'Functional Addict' is 'Function'.  This week we focus on a very sad story in which one man has shown what kind of havoc addiction can wreak on your life if you are not careful.

In this case the reminder comes courtesy of Lamar Odom, once an NBA star lacing up for teams such as the Los Angeles Lakers and banging a Kardashian (well actually she was the fat ugly one so not sure if that counts as a positive).  Things have spiraled out of control for Lamar over the last few years having seen his level of play diminish and eventually being cut from the Dallas Mavericks.  But no, that was not rock bottom; Lamar had further depths to explore as he recently channeled Jacques Cousteau and dove deeper.

Lamar decided it would be a great idea to hole up in the word famous Bunny Ranch with a bag of coke, some herbal Viagra and a couple 5s and 6s (a reference to the quality of the women he paid $75k to catch his tears on their bosoms and protect him from the madness that is Keeping up with the Kardashians).  Lamar ended up overdosing on either the drugs, the herbals, or perhaps it was just all that mediocre pussy, and launched himself into a coma from which many thought he would never awaken.

Now, Lamar, we know that attention hungry clan of bitches can be a bit overbearing and we know you needed an escape from the omnipresent stage that is life with the Kardashians; but, now that you have woken up from your coma and have even begun learning to walk again, let us pros at Functional Addict give you some advice on how you can perform your next Houdini in a way that will leave you out of the spotlight, but with cash left in your pockets, and with your lucidity intact, all while staying off the covers of the tabloids.

First of all, make sure you get your drugs from a reputable supplier.  Lets stick to the adage that you can't trust these hoes.  Get a connect you can count on, and leave it at that.  This way you can avoid the coma next time, as exhilarating as it might have been to travel down that tunnel reaching towards the bright white light.

In addition, if you re going to spend a few days bustin nuts on a room full of bitches, next time plan ahead.  That means making sure that you can expect confidentiality.  Best way to ensure this would be to drop $600 on an intercontinental plane ticket.  This will kill a few birds with one stone:  first of all your chosen company will not recognize you and even if they do, they damn sure won't be able to speak English and therefore won't be able to rat you out to the paparazzi.  Why not try Thailand, the Dominican Republic, Brazil or any of the hundred countries where you can hole up with a team of sluts for a week or more and guarantee that they will keep their mouths shut (well, not until after you leave, that is).  As a bonus, your foray will be much cheaper, and the companionship will be of a much higher quality.  Instead of dropping $75k for 3 days with 3 women, you would only drop 1 or 2k.  Or if you really were intent on a splurge of that nature you could probably get a dozen third world women for a month, or a small harem for a year!  Lets be honest, you are a rookie in this game and you gotta think about the long term; this life of functional addiction is a marathon and not a sprint.  Just think about guys like Allen Iverson or Antoine Walker.  You can never have 'enough' cash, so be smart and make it last.

In closing, we are happy to know that you have survived this disaster and may even make it back to full strength.  This misadventure destroyed any chance of an NBA comeback, but that might be a good thing after watching your talent laguish towards the end of a great career.  There will be many orgies ahead for you, Lamar if you play your cards right.  Remember, keep the drugs clean, the women quiet, and the scenery international.  And most of all, step up your game and demand a better quality of booty!  You are letting the rest of us down.  You've got the dough, now use it the right way.

Functional Addict Recommends:

PICK A DRUG THAT ALLOWS YOU TO FUNCTION

ESPN reports, "Former Oakland Raiders quarterback JaMarcus Russell has been charged with possession of a controlled substance -- codeine syrup -- after being arrested at his home in Alabama on Monday, authorities said."

This wonderful drug is commonly known simply as syrup, drank, barre, lean or Texas tea and contains the active ingredients codeine and promethazine. It is commonly consumed in the South, specifically in Texas and has been featured in numerous rap song lyrics like Three 6 Mafia's "Sippin' on Some Syrup" and Big Moe's "Purple Stuff". The drug is usually poured in a styrofoam cup and mixed with Sprite or other soft drinks. Those looking for a little extra flavor might add a Jolly Rancher or two.



The dug is known for being extremely powerful, addictive, and (let's be honest) tons of fun! It can cause hallucinations on par with drugs like ketamine and PCP. It is also heavily connected with the "Screwed Up" music scene. Users sip the concoction while jammin to artists such as DJ Screw (R.I.P.) who is known for taking rap songs, chopping them up slowing them down (chopping and screwing). The combination of a lil drank with some screwed up toons is a fantastic combination for those wishing to sink into the couch while time flies by.

Herein lies the problem for JaMarcus. He lost his job for being fat, slow, lazy and a mess in general. Barre is the last drug he should have been consuming. For a guy like JaMarcus, I would recommend something on the opposite end of the spectrum. Something in the category of stimulants: coke, speed etc. According to Wikipedia, stimulants cause "enhanced alertness, awareness, wakefulness, endurance, productivity, and motivation, increased arousal, locomotion, heart rate, and blood pressure, and the perception of a diminished requirement for food and sleep." Now that sounds like something tailor made for Russell, yet he turns to the Sizzurp? Who the hell is advising this guy. Now I like feeling my body melt into a puddle from time to time, but at some point you gotta make the right decision. In this case that would be developing a cocaine addiction and waiting for the pounds to shed themselves as you garner a newfound dedication the game of football. This is the type of addiction that can be performance enhancing and could lead to a career revival.

It is a sad day for JaMarcus Russell as he watches his career evaporate before his very eyes, but we can all learn from his mistakes. After all, if a common man such as you or I makes this type of mistake it could be the unravelling of our entire lives. Luckily JaMarcus has 34 million reasons to laugh it off. But don't expect to see him on a football field anytime soon, unless he's sitting on the grass bangin screw with a styrofoam cup.

11 Steps to Salvation

Experimentation
Selection
Acceleration
Bliss
Threshold Discovery
Recuperation
Seclusion
Admission of Addiction
Relapse
Moderation
Functionality

Great Moments in Functional Addiction

From time to time it is important that we take a look back and give thanks to those that have come before us. Without these shining beacons of hope we would not have the courage to continue living our dreams.

In this edition of 'Great Moments in Funcional Addicition', we turn back the clock to 1970. This feat, brought to life in this wonderful video by James Blagden, courtesy of No Mas, is perhaps the greatest example of funtional addiction in sports history.

Here's to you Mr. Dock Ellis, for showing us how great we all can really strive to be despite the shortcomings of our willpower.

Obama Draws The (White) Line

As Election Day approaches I cannot stop thinking about one subject that has strangely been left out of discussion as of late. That subject is none other than Barak's admitted drug use. In 2006 he disclosed his history of drug use in Dreams From My Father, a memoir written by a man who obviously never thought he would have a shot at the worlds most important job.

He wrote, "Pot had helped, and booze; maybe a little blow when you could afford it. Not smack, though." (Notice the use of the ultra-rare semicolon, the peyote of punctuation. Have you ever used either? Didn't think so.) Obama opens up his closet and lets us see his skeletons with that quote, but does draw the line at smack.

This is important to the American people. We all know that one must know their own limit. And we functional addicts know that drawing that line is the difference between Marion Barry and Barak Obama. But aside from drawing the line just above the needle, there is another factor that has helped Barack to maintain his squeaky clean image despite the admission. The answer is quite simple; Americans don't read (did you notice that exquisite punctuation? First time for everything). The republicans must assume that because he released this information such a long time ago, that everyone must already know and therefore it’s not worth a mention because it looks desperate. Guess what McCain et al; everyone knows that Barak Obama is black. Yet you continue to remind us, and yes, it does look desperate. But that is okay because this tactic works nonetheless.

This is why I can't understand why Obama's drug use has not been mentioned in every rally, debate, speech, commercial, and anonymously written, hate infused, internet chain letter. We know that one of the things Americans fear and hate is radical Muslim extremists, but a Black guy on coke is perhaps the only thing in this country that would trump that fear and hate. I can already imagine the TV spot. "Can you really justify letting a Black Muslim cokehead run the country your kids live in?" Followed by, "I am John McCain and I approve this message."

Now I know that the talking heads would make a huge deal about the ad calling it classless and exaggerated while chiding the campaign managers who created it. Many people would be up in arms saying that it was only a brief period of his life when he was a confused teen in a broken home. Many would mention that one of our greatest presidents, Bill Clinton, was a confessed pot smoker. All of them would be right, but the ad would still have a dramatic effect. Although we assume that everyone out there has heard of his tomfoolery, the honest truth is that the Republican machine has not reminded the public of this often enough. They continue to tell outright lies to the people while aiming to spread fear, but these lies are transparent to anyone with a shred of common sense. Meanwhile they continue to hold that ace in the hole, not realizing that they actually have a piece of valid information that could prove even more disastrous to the Obama/Biden ticket.

All the while the Obama Juggernaut charges towards the finish line heading towards a landslide as the McCain campaign squanders their last hope of victory. They ought to know, as the public does, once an addict, always an addict (I'm not buying that Obama did "a little blow." You're either on the Charlie or you're not). Addiction is a disease that can't be cured, just contained. And I am amazed that we are not reminded of this more often.

As election day approaches, every day it seems more and more likely that we will have one of our own in the white house. As functional addicts we will always embrace your achievement, Mr. Obama. You have shown us that there is no height we cannot aspire to reach. If 2008's runners up have learned any lesson from Obama's rise, not Palin, but yet another strong woman, will be contending for the presidency in 2012. That woman is Ms. Condoleezza Rice. The republicans should remember one thing when choosing their next candidate: just as the rule holds true for addicts and their vices, it will hold true for the American people and their elected leaders; once you go black, you never go back.

Functional Addict of the Month

In the aftermath of the recent suicide attempt of comedy actor/nose job “before” picture model Owen Wilson, we were presented with some startling information about UK comic actor and noted addict Steve Coogan. He actually fucked Courtney Love. Wow. This guy must be doing more drugs than we all originally thought.

I mean we all knew Kurt Cobain had to be eating Quaaludes like skittles when he married the slag, but at least she was artistically relevant at the time and therefore provided an adequate Nancy to his Sid.

The perfect mess couple, covered in blood, spit and shit, and loving every minute of it, and us loving them too.

But lets take a step back. Realize that Cobain was a rock star. This is the only profession in the world (well, maybe stand-up comedian fits into this category as well) in which a beautiful positive correlation links drug use with success, wealth, popularity, and, most importantly, functionality. Lets be honest, as Kurt’s life spiraled out of control it only made his music more tantalizing. We all wanted to be on the Nirvana bandwagon before his inevitable self-destruction, if only so we could point out to the Johnny-come-latelies that we loved Kurt before he slashed his wrists, or swallowed the medicine cabinet, or hanged himself, or blew his head off, or some combination of the aforementioned.

But make no mistake. Hollywood actors do not share the same perks as their overly flamboyant, melodic counterparts. Just take a look at Hugh Grant (whores), Robert Downey Jr. (drugs), and Tom Sizemore (both). All three saw major hits to their images as they ceased to be dramatic and instead became punch lines when their embarrassing stories became public. The latter has yet to recover and earlier this year released a VH1 mini-series chronicling his struggles to salvage his life and career. As even Ray Charles (one of the great functional addicts in history) can see, mixing addiction and professional acting seldom ends up functioning. Other famous addicts like John Belushi and Chris Farley remained successful, but as their early deaths taught us, they weren’t exactly leading functional lives.

For actors, in most cases, addiction is a career killer. This is what makes the Steve Coogan revelation so mind-blowing. We all knew he was a party animal with a soft spot for Oxys and a tendency towards womanisation (did I just coin a word. Suddenly Webster’s dictionary seems inadequate), but few knew he had actually gone this far. Imagine how many lines of coke, or shots of Jameson you would need to go home with and fuck Courtney Love in the dark. Now imagine what it would take to wake up sober in bed with her and not commence the self-offing. If this man actually repeatedly dated Courtney Love, as major media outlets have noted, or was even repeatedly seen in public with the sagging bag of shit, he must have been severely twisted for quite some time.

And this is where we meet the true brilliance of Steve Coogan. This man has set the bar one notch higher for the rest of us as he has exhibited uncanny functional addiction for an extended period of time. As he, now quite apparently, crashed into rock bottom in 2006 in a total orgy of chemical bliss, he continued to climb the ladder of success appearing in comic classics like Tristram Shandy: a Cock and Bull Story in the UK while opening eyes in the US as well, scoring a role in commercial success Night in the Museum and inking a deal to star alongside Larry David in the forthcoming season of HBO’s Curb Your Enthusiasm. In fact, it may just be that Owen Wilson’s demise has given birth to a new star in Hollywood. Coogan continues to disprove the theory that supreme heavy addiction will do nothing but destroy an acting career.

But actors beware. This combination of complete discipline mixed with total lack of control is not easily achieved. Hang with Coogan and you just may end up like Wilson, with a boatload of sympathy but without any demand for your smug little nose-job needing face. Not everyone can be as smooth as Steve.

Coogan has truly earned the adoration of many a functional addict and has undoubtedly given countless young professionals out there the courage to make an attempt at a life worth living, a chemically supplemented life, that is. Sir Coogan, we bestow upon thee the unparalleled honor of Functional Addict of the Month. And you deserve it. May we all unite in raising our glasses to a shining example of what functional addiction truly is, and can be.

Intervention? I'll Take a Pass

by "Reality" Rick

I watch a lot of TV. Some might even say too much. Right now I'm out of work, I'm taking what some call a "hiatus". I have been able to stay afloat by living at my dad's house for free. This is only a temporary condition, but I must admit, I am enjoying it.

In particular I love to scroll through the reality TV episodes saved on my DVR. I can spend all day smoking quality marijuana and riding the roller coaster of emotion that is reality TV. Recently I came across a show that caught my attention. The name of the show is "Intervention". The show focuses on one out of control addict every episode. When drama reaches a boiling point, Jeff VanVonderen is called in to save the day. This mustachioed, ex-addict, bald-headed, straight shooter confronts the addict with a choice: rehab and a life of sobriety with family and friends or a lowly existence on the edge of death without a support system of loved ones. The family is there to ensure the addict that VanVonderen is not bluffing.

How can a person coexist with their (typically) dysfunctional family without the help of drugs or any other escape from the real world, you ask? I don't think any sane person would even dare to belly up to the task without some aid. Can this interventionist paint a more unrealistic picture of all available options? With VanVonderen it is a black and white issue.

I happen to disagree and for the last eight year have been proving that the spectrum of options does exist and that we can make our own choices and take control of our lives. VanVonderen does not inform the addict that there are many people living in our world who have managed to balance their lives and their addictions to a point of total equilibrium. We must strive to reach that point because as we all know, life is better with drugs.

I challenge Mr. VanVonderen and the producers of Intervention to actually make a legitimate case that a life of total sobriety is more stable and more maintainable than the equibalanced state achieved when you become a Functional Addict. Most of the addicts I have seen on "Intervention" cower in the face of VanVonderen and their teary-eyed families. They enter rehab and agree to say goodbye to one of the most rewarding facets of their lives. I have chosen a life of functional addiction and encourage you to do the same. We can all experience the joys that functional addiction brings. Mr. VanVonderen, we thank you, but we must decline your invitation to sunny Tucson, Arizona.