Obama Draws The (White) Line

As Election Day approaches I cannot stop thinking about one subject that has strangely been left out of discussion as of late. That subject is none other than Barak's admitted drug use. In 2006 he disclosed his history of drug use in Dreams From My Father, a memoir written by a man who obviously never thought he would have a shot at the worlds most important job.

He wrote, "Pot had helped, and booze; maybe a little blow when you could afford it. Not smack, though." (Notice the use of the ultra-rare semicolon, the peyote of punctuation. Have you ever used either? Didn't think so.) Obama opens up his closet and lets us see his skeletons with that quote, but does draw the line at smack.

This is important to the American people. We all know that one must know their own limit. And we functional addicts know that drawing that line is the difference between Marion Barry and Barak Obama. But aside from drawing the line just above the needle, there is another factor that has helped Barack to maintain his squeaky clean image despite the admission. The answer is quite simple; Americans don't read (did you notice that exquisite punctuation? First time for everything). The republicans must assume that because he released this information such a long time ago, that everyone must already know and therefore it’s not worth a mention because it looks desperate. Guess what McCain et al; everyone knows that Barak Obama is black. Yet you continue to remind us, and yes, it does look desperate. But that is okay because this tactic works nonetheless.

This is why I can't understand why Obama's drug use has not been mentioned in every rally, debate, speech, commercial, and anonymously written, hate infused, internet chain letter. We know that one of the things Americans fear and hate is radical Muslim extremists, but a Black guy on coke is perhaps the only thing in this country that would trump that fear and hate. I can already imagine the TV spot. "Can you really justify letting a Black Muslim cokehead run the country your kids live in?" Followed by, "I am John McCain and I approve this message."

Now I know that the talking heads would make a huge deal about the ad calling it classless and exaggerated while chiding the campaign managers who created it. Many people would be up in arms saying that it was only a brief period of his life when he was a confused teen in a broken home. Many would mention that one of our greatest presidents, Bill Clinton, was a confessed pot smoker. All of them would be right, but the ad would still have a dramatic effect. Although we assume that everyone out there has heard of his tomfoolery, the honest truth is that the Republican machine has not reminded the public of this often enough. They continue to tell outright lies to the people while aiming to spread fear, but these lies are transparent to anyone with a shred of common sense. Meanwhile they continue to hold that ace in the hole, not realizing that they actually have a piece of valid information that could prove even more disastrous to the Obama/Biden ticket.

All the while the Obama Juggernaut charges towards the finish line heading towards a landslide as the McCain campaign squanders their last hope of victory. They ought to know, as the public does, once an addict, always an addict (I'm not buying that Obama did "a little blow." You're either on the Charlie or you're not). Addiction is a disease that can't be cured, just contained. And I am amazed that we are not reminded of this more often.

As election day approaches, every day it seems more and more likely that we will have one of our own in the white house. As functional addicts we will always embrace your achievement, Mr. Obama. You have shown us that there is no height we cannot aspire to reach. If 2008's runners up have learned any lesson from Obama's rise, not Palin, but yet another strong woman, will be contending for the presidency in 2012. That woman is Ms. Condoleezza Rice. The republicans should remember one thing when choosing their next candidate: just as the rule holds true for addicts and their vices, it will hold true for the American people and their elected leaders; once you go black, you never go back.

Functional Addict of the Month

In the aftermath of the recent suicide attempt of comedy actor/nose job “before” picture model Owen Wilson, we were presented with some startling information about UK comic actor and noted addict Steve Coogan. He actually fucked Courtney Love. Wow. This guy must be doing more drugs than we all originally thought.

I mean we all knew Kurt Cobain had to be eating Quaaludes like skittles when he married the slag, but at least she was artistically relevant at the time and therefore provided an adequate Nancy to his Sid.

The perfect mess couple, covered in blood, spit and shit, and loving every minute of it, and us loving them too.

But lets take a step back. Realize that Cobain was a rock star. This is the only profession in the world (well, maybe stand-up comedian fits into this category as well) in which a beautiful positive correlation links drug use with success, wealth, popularity, and, most importantly, functionality. Lets be honest, as Kurt’s life spiraled out of control it only made his music more tantalizing. We all wanted to be on the Nirvana bandwagon before his inevitable self-destruction, if only so we could point out to the Johnny-come-latelies that we loved Kurt before he slashed his wrists, or swallowed the medicine cabinet, or hanged himself, or blew his head off, or some combination of the aforementioned.

But make no mistake. Hollywood actors do not share the same perks as their overly flamboyant, melodic counterparts. Just take a look at Hugh Grant (whores), Robert Downey Jr. (drugs), and Tom Sizemore (both). All three saw major hits to their images as they ceased to be dramatic and instead became punch lines when their embarrassing stories became public. The latter has yet to recover and earlier this year released a VH1 mini-series chronicling his struggles to salvage his life and career. As even Ray Charles (one of the great functional addicts in history) can see, mixing addiction and professional acting seldom ends up functioning. Other famous addicts like John Belushi and Chris Farley remained successful, but as their early deaths taught us, they weren’t exactly leading functional lives.

For actors, in most cases, addiction is a career killer. This is what makes the Steve Coogan revelation so mind-blowing. We all knew he was a party animal with a soft spot for Oxys and a tendency towards womanisation (did I just coin a word. Suddenly Webster’s dictionary seems inadequate), but few knew he had actually gone this far. Imagine how many lines of coke, or shots of Jameson you would need to go home with and fuck Courtney Love in the dark. Now imagine what it would take to wake up sober in bed with her and not commence the self-offing. If this man actually repeatedly dated Courtney Love, as major media outlets have noted, or was even repeatedly seen in public with the sagging bag of shit, he must have been severely twisted for quite some time.

And this is where we meet the true brilliance of Steve Coogan. This man has set the bar one notch higher for the rest of us as he has exhibited uncanny functional addiction for an extended period of time. As he, now quite apparently, crashed into rock bottom in 2006 in a total orgy of chemical bliss, he continued to climb the ladder of success appearing in comic classics like Tristram Shandy: a Cock and Bull Story in the UK while opening eyes in the US as well, scoring a role in commercial success Night in the Museum and inking a deal to star alongside Larry David in the forthcoming season of HBO’s Curb Your Enthusiasm. In fact, it may just be that Owen Wilson’s demise has given birth to a new star in Hollywood. Coogan continues to disprove the theory that supreme heavy addiction will do nothing but destroy an acting career.

But actors beware. This combination of complete discipline mixed with total lack of control is not easily achieved. Hang with Coogan and you just may end up like Wilson, with a boatload of sympathy but without any demand for your smug little nose-job needing face. Not everyone can be as smooth as Steve.

Coogan has truly earned the adoration of many a functional addict and has undoubtedly given countless young professionals out there the courage to make an attempt at a life worth living, a chemically supplemented life, that is. Sir Coogan, we bestow upon thee the unparalleled honor of Functional Addict of the Month. And you deserve it. May we all unite in raising our glasses to a shining example of what functional addiction truly is, and can be.

Intervention? I'll Take a Pass

by "Reality" Rick

I watch a lot of TV. Some might even say too much. Right now I'm out of work, I'm taking what some call a "hiatus". I have been able to stay afloat by living at my dad's house for free. This is only a temporary condition, but I must admit, I am enjoying it.

In particular I love to scroll through the reality TV episodes saved on my DVR. I can spend all day smoking quality marijuana and riding the roller coaster of emotion that is reality TV. Recently I came across a show that caught my attention. The name of the show is "Intervention". The show focuses on one out of control addict every episode. When drama reaches a boiling point, Jeff VanVonderen is called in to save the day. This mustachioed, ex-addict, bald-headed, straight shooter confronts the addict with a choice: rehab and a life of sobriety with family and friends or a lowly existence on the edge of death without a support system of loved ones. The family is there to ensure the addict that VanVonderen is not bluffing.

How can a person coexist with their (typically) dysfunctional family without the help of drugs or any other escape from the real world, you ask? I don't think any sane person would even dare to belly up to the task without some aid. Can this interventionist paint a more unrealistic picture of all available options? With VanVonderen it is a black and white issue.

I happen to disagree and for the last eight year have been proving that the spectrum of options does exist and that we can make our own choices and take control of our lives. VanVonderen does not inform the addict that there are many people living in our world who have managed to balance their lives and their addictions to a point of total equilibrium. We must strive to reach that point because as we all know, life is better with drugs.

I challenge Mr. VanVonderen and the producers of Intervention to actually make a legitimate case that a life of total sobriety is more stable and more maintainable than the equibalanced state achieved when you become a Functional Addict. Most of the addicts I have seen on "Intervention" cower in the face of VanVonderen and their teary-eyed families. They enter rehab and agree to say goodbye to one of the most rewarding facets of their lives. I have chosen a life of functional addiction and encourage you to do the same. We can all experience the joys that functional addiction brings. Mr. VanVonderen, we thank you, but we must decline your invitation to sunny Tucson, Arizona.