Monday, July 05, 2010

Functional Addict Recommends:


ESPN reports, "Former Oakland Raiders quarterback JaMarcus Russell has been charged with possession of a controlled substance -- codeine syrup -- after being arrested at his home in Alabama on Monday, authorities said."

This wonderful drug is commonly known simply as syrup, drank, barre, lean or Texas tea and contains the active ingredients codeine and promethazine. It is commonly consumed in the South, specifically in Texas and has been featured in numerous rap song lyrics like Three 6 Mafia's "Sippin' on Some Syrup" and Big Moe's "Purple Stuff". The drug is usually poured in a styrofoam cup and mixed with Sprite or other soft drinks. Those looking for a little extra flavor might add a Jolly Rancher or two.

The dug is known for being extremely powerful, addictive, and (let's be honest) tons of fun! It can cause hallucinations on par with drugs like ketamine and PCP. It is also heavily connected with the "Screwed Up" music scene. Users sip the concoction while jammin to artists such as DJ Screw (R.I.P.) who is known for taking rap songs, chopping them up slowing them down (chopping and screwing). The combination of a lil drank with some screwed up toons is a fantastic combination for those wishing to sink into the couch while time flies by.

Herein lies the problem for JaMarcus. He lost his job for being fat, slow, lazy and a mess in general. Barre is the last drug he should have been consuming. For a guy like JaMarcus, I would recommend something on the opposite end of the spectrum. Something in the category of stimulants: coke, speed etc. According to Wikipedia, stimulants cause "enhanced alertness, awareness, wakefulness, endurance, productivity, and motivation, increased arousal, locomotion, heart rate, and blood pressure, and the perception of a diminished requirement for food and sleep." Now that sounds like something tailor made for Russell, yet he turns to the Sizzurp? Who the hell is advising this guy. Now I like feeling my body melt into a puddle from time to time, but at some point you gotta make the right decision. In this case that would be developing a cocaine addiction and waiting for the pounds to shed themselves as you garner a newfound dedication the game of football. This is the type of addiction that can be performance enhancing and could lead to a career revival.

It is a sad day for JaMarcus Russell as he watches his career evaporate before his very eyes, but we can all learn from his mistakes. After all, if a common man such as you or I makes this type of mistake it could be the unravelling of our entire lives. Luckily JaMarcus has 34 million reasons to laugh it off. But don't expect to see him on a football field anytime soon, unless he's sitting on the grass bangin screw with a styrofoam cup.